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These are not toffee deluxii

January 4, 2011, 5:30 pm

Dear Nestle,

Merry Christmas and a happy new year to you, and happy Easter while we’re at it. And Happy Birthday for when it’s your birthday, either the one gone or the next one, whichever is closer. Unless  by coincidence your birthday is exactly 182.5 days from now, in which case Happy Birthday twice. Or none. You choose – it’s your birthday after all!

Moving on.

Despite this being a letter of complaint I will start by telling you how much I enjoy scoffing your lovely Quality Street chocolates. I very much enjoy scoffing your lovely Quality Street chocolates. However, until today, it had been some time since I had chocolates what with being forced to diet because of being too fat.

Ok that done, on to the complaint…

Today at work we were gifted a large tin of Quality Street which was very kind of whoever it was that left the chocolates. At least I hope it was a gift- they have almost all gone. Mostly my doing, I’m not ashamed of it. Mmm chocolate! Anyway where was I..? Oh yes…

Today at work we were gifted a large tin of Quality Street. Being an eager chocolate eater and hugely fond especially of the toffee deluxe ones in your Quality Street selection I identified the toffee deluxe on the chocolate map that’s supplied in the tin and I delved in to possess as many toffee deluxes (or is it deluxii?) as I could before anyone else got their grubby little fingers on them.

This was followed up by me placing neatly on my desk my deluxii collection, or collection deluxii as they would probably say on a pretentious advert with a fake French accent.

Very shortly afterwards I began my toffee deluxe feast. But alas, all was not well very shortly after biting into the first of my chocolates… Choc horror (see what I did there?) as I bit into the chocolate to discover inside it, not a tasty block of lovely toffee, but something both unexpected and truly horrific – a creamy white centre, that – no less – of an orange cream. Bluh! Orange! I hate fruit. Admittedly orange cream barely resembles the actual flavour of orange, unless of course it does nowadays because I’ve forgotten what orange tastes like and the Man from Del Monte may have changed its flavour recently for all I know. But it still reminded me of fruit and I was well upset I can tell you.

Well of course this had repercussions across the whole chocolate eating session. Now each alleged toffee deluxe had to undergo rigorous testing by being prodded for hardness and sniffed for toffeeness. The sniffing was somewhat futile as the scents of both the delightful toffee deluxe and the offensive orange cream were equally outmanoeuvred by that of the chocolatiness of the chocolate.

It wasn’t until the fifth suspect chocolate contained the orange poison just like those which had passed before that I realised there had been a serious error on someone’s part. I went back to the tin and took another look at the map of chocolates. Yes, toffee deluxes (deluxii – still can’t decide) were definitely the oblong orange ones. I asked several colleagues to confirm this. They all agreed. However, one of them second-guessed the purple octagonal legend of chocolate secrets (the map) and proposed that the toffee deluxes were the brown ones and that all the orange cremes were the wrong shape entirely.

We had solved the chocolate mystery! But in the process destroyed 5 otherwise perfectly healthy orange cremes that Vicky, who sits behind me, would happily have consumed. Adding insult to injury by the time the fact about the toffee deluxes being in brown wrappers and all the orange cremes are the wrong shape entirely came to light, most of the toffee deluxes had been devoured by Kirsty who was clearly already aware that the toffee deluxes are in brown wrappers and all the orange cremes are the wrong shape entirely, or perhaps she didn’t care which ones she was stuffing into her tiny face. Nevertheless my intentions of having toffee deluxe feast were thwarted!

Since this, of course, is all your fault, what with your map of chocolates giving wholly incorrect information about the shape of one and the colour of another, I hope you can see it in your heart to compensate us (me) perhaps with more chocolate what with it being Xmas.

I have taken photos of the important features and created a marvellous collage to act both as evidence and for your sheer delight.

Hope you had or will have a nice birthday,


Response from Nestle:

Dear Mr Hill

Thank you very much for your email.

Please reply to this email stating your full enquiry.

Please accept our thanks for your co-operation in this matter.

We look forward to hearing from you.

We also wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and all the best for the New Year.

Yours sincerely

Natalie Farmeary
Consumer Relations Executive
Consumer Services

Chocolate companies are so boring.

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